“Prove It!”: A Reflection on Complicated Love

It’s complicated—is an understatement. It does not begin to explain the situation and it is almost too complicated to go into right now. Almost. No names shall be mentioned and partial but honest details expressed, to preserve the sanctity of what’s left but it is surely safe to say … it is some bullshit! Pardon my language, I would do it in ASL for you (as I do sometimes to be a butt), but alas you are subject to only my words and not my actions.

Actions are key in relationships as they carry the validity of words, emotions and intentions. Without action, words fall flat, emotions are contradicting and intentions are lost in the sea of the tears they cause. My particular situation is three and a half years of circumstance and ‘shit happens’ that have culminated in splitsville. Not only do we currently live in separate cities in separate areas of the country, but communication is also near impossible for fear of acknowledging that we exist in this absolutely ridiculous situation.

How do relationships even become “situations”? Air quotes and all, situations as a teenager prove to be exciting but as an adult they are without a doubt stressful, confusing and a waste of my time. I have a hard time not doing what I want to do and avoiding the things I dislike. As an adult, I feel it very natural to have the ability to decide what I want to include in my life and what I want to abstain from. Typically, I abstain from dark alleys, women who enjoy drama and disrespectful men. This is not difficult, I simple live without it. As far as things I enjoy, we can include the blues music genre, sunshine through slanted blinds and supporting single gender education. I bask in the sunlight. I float through the house to the blues. I write checks to my two single gender alma maters that have contributed to my life. These are intentional actions. Love—is an intentional action. Choosing to love someone is a decision made whether consciously or unconsciously. With that said, choosing not to love someone is equally as intentional.

My situation is difficult and complicated as a result of unavoidable occasions and too many intentional actions in the wrong direction. Distance aids in the ease to drift into the arms of another lover though thoughts linger when the “right” one is not by your side. So why the “can’t get right”? Are we too afraid to lose what we know we can’t live without? A contradiction in itself is this phrase we use on the ones we say we desire “I’m not ready but I am getting ready for us.” NO! You are getting ready to lose all you hope to gain with this… growth. But what if growth is truly necessary? What if attempts in the current aftermath of life is like planting trees in ash, a setup for failure before the first rain.

If you are anything like me, you struggle with the ability to open up enough for vulnerability with a person just because they “love” you. Too many that have loved have hurt and the two are almost synonymous now. But again, if you are anything like me, one maybe two, have crept into the crevices of your heart and left trails that lead you in a circle you can’t help but follow. For me thank goodness, not two just one have caused clouds to enter the chamber of the heart and exist in somewhat of a permanent presence. Growing into myself, I am learning about the love I have to offer and it is safe to say that in accordance with the rest of my life, I do not do well on a leash. As of late, I have realized that love the emotion is complicated, period, but the actions behind it have all the room to be clear and intentional. I struggle when I allow myself to love someone uninhibitedly but am not able to do it freely and in fact am asked to tame it, preserve it for the future. Saying one thing, projecting a starry dream or even selling me false hopes is too complicated for me anymore. I need action, if you are in my heart; upkeep is necessary. Otherwise, please exit stage left and you ain’t got to go home but…

– Afiya Shani

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